I always believed though it was my duty, maybe a civic one or social responsibility, to be well informed and keep up to date about what’s happening in the world. Without watching the news, I risk the isolation of becoming absorbed in my own little island, unaware of what is going on around me including what could come to affect me later. This is a habit that was built into my value system by my 12th grade AP Government/Civics teacher. Ms. Harmon made it a point to ask us about news stories every class. We didn’t always present, we were called on at random, but she of course knew every news story of the day and would drill down to the essence of an article, debate the opposing viewpoints which may be a central focus and helped us to understand the importance of knowledge, and what we should do once we’d been educated.
Even before that class, I was always curious about what was going on in the world. I liked Time and National Geographic and there were special kid versions of these we got in our classroom every now and then. I loved reading stories about people in countries I could see on a map but had never seen. I also knew, for as long as I can remember caring about the world, that I would see all those countries and meet all those people. Until then though, reading everything I could and watching every documentary which came my way was my way of exploring, staying connected and making myself ready for that day.
I understood when, over the last few years, people would say “I can’t watch it anymore, it’s too much, too depressing, too mind-boggling, too many emotions” though I secretly thought “you can always find one thing to listen to”, taking a statement as completely black and white as I can tend to do (and try really hard not to). I would read articles describing self-care rituals and abstaining from the news was sometimes recommended. And then it became more and more recommended. I didn’t understand this, it felt wrong, did not ring true, to isolate myself from what humanity was experiencing just to give myself some peace. In fact, being aware of what was going on was a part of my self-care. I couldn’t make a direct impact on many of the situations I was hearing about, but I could keep aware and mindful of what I could potentially do, in the future, when it’s time to make another life change. I could go work in politics and find the candidates who support the platforms with the values I know are important. I could join volunteer missions in places which are overwhelmed with people needing help. I could also, just by being aware, help others become aware through discussion and sharing of articles and knowledge, and maybe they could have a direct impact or they might share with someone else who could.
And then, one day, it was enough. I had had, enough. I don’t know which day it was, I don’t think I marked it down nor was there any kind of moment I can look back on. But at some point in the last three months, I’ve had it. I will not and have not logged into news sites to see what’s in the headlines and read a story or two. I don’t have anymore news alerts popping up on my phone. I delete most newsletters I get if they’re from certain publications. I don’t know if it’s “I can’t,” because as soon as I write, hear or read those words I immediately become charged up to do what’s not possible. “I’m done” feels as close to what I’m feeling, or “I won’t”. I’m still not sure I like that feeling, and I also don’t like how many “I’s” are in this paragraph.
I’m tired. I am really worn out. This means I’m concentrating my energy more carefully, something I should have really been doing for a long time but hadn’t. Now that I feel drained, I’m forced to do this, and that’s ok because sometimes we all need a little forcing.
On the other hand, being forced is not how I want to live my life, so instead of looking at this as a forceful change, I’m looking at it as an invitation, which I am happily choose to accept. This means my mindset of facing challenges is around choosing which challenges I will address, and not feeling a firehose of forceful changes. I am picking and choosing where my focus is sent. One happy change I’m very grateful to return to is more physical activity. I am not a runner. When I do run it’s on a treadmill in a controlled indoor environment as a warmup for lifting or some other activity. Or, I’m about to miss some form of public transportation. And yet I ran 10 miles, outside, in April. It was pretty amazing and while I am not looking for some kind of runner’s high, I am loving already feeling addicted to more movement.
How can I be so tired and yet crave more movement? It’s really come back to choosing where energy goes. The news is terrible; it’s not the stories or the people, it’s the system, it is terrible for me. It’s probably terrible for all of us. I personally do not want to feel drained from something that used to give me energy and make me feel connected. I’m actually feeling even more disconnected, it’s coming at us so quickly, with updates and revisions and new numbers and different graphs and new faces. I’m not even feeling particularly emotional about the news stories themselves. It’s not that there’s an overwhelming amount of bad news, or sad stories. I really can’t put my finger on what is making me so damn tired. But since I’ve stopped the constant connection and alerts and needing to know the newest up-to-the-minute stories, I’ve been feeling calmer. And I’ve decided with my new calmness, that exerting the energy to figure out why the news is draining, is not a good use of my time.
