I am taking a break from mindfulness, living in the present, staying connected to my inner truth, breathing in…..and breathing out. I’ve done a lot of it, I like it, I’m going to continue doing it. But at this moment, I’m going to dream ahead into the future a bit. I need a break. I’m not even homeschooling anyone or sick or in danger or had my sleeping routine disrupted or going insane in a tiny apartment. I still need a break.
There is a lot of doom and gloom. It’s completely understandable anytime anyone slips into “woe is the world, it’s pretty awful out there right now” because a lot of messages are like that.
There are also messages of resistance, of heroes, people picking up what we can’t, people putting themselves in situations we won’t, and it’s wonderful to read. The fact that these stories exist though, causes my ever-constant level of stress to blip up the scale a bit. I returned to my centered self this evening after reading news I shouldn’t have, and realized I’m going to need a little more than posture adjustments, lots of cleansing breaths and yoga in my living room.
I’m going to plan some parties.
pandemic party
It’s not a party for the pandemic. It’s a party for after the pandemic. What is defined as “after” depends on if the study is coming from Harvard or from the podium of some deranged moron. My version of after is this: when the parties I have planned can happen, legally, without any Polizei coming round to break it up due to lack of social distancing. After is when social distancing is precautionary and common sense based, not enforced.
Deets
THE THEME IS: “We made it! Maybe? Until the next one? Doesn’t matter cause we’re here now! BYO-drinkcontainers-lysolspray-cloroxwipes”
WHAT TO WEAR: Masks, and if we’re doing this after Labor Day, please no white masks, that would be so gauche.
WHAT TO BRING: Your antibody certificate, printed out and displayed in one of those name badges you get at conferences.
WHAT WE’LL EAT: whatever is left over in the freezer from the pre-pandemic stock up. In what other century have humans had the chance to actually stock up essentials with like, an hour’s notice, before the pandemic hit their area?
IT'S EVERYBODY'S BIRTHDAY Party
A lot of birthdays have come and gone since we all went inside forever. A lot of big ones too, the big decade milestones, all the teens turning 13, first birthdays. I am a huge, huge (HUGELY) big believer in passing time with intentional milestones, therefore I want to celebrate everyone’s birthday as soon as possible. Zoom singalongs are great (because I can mute myself and mouth along and claim system failure) and it’s really nice to send gifts and cakes to friends. But wouldn’t it also be great to blow out candles with everyone and have no where to run to when the singing starts?
DEETS
WHAT TO GIFT: you’ll probably need to pick just a few of the birthday boys and girls, because there are 350,000 birthdays every day. It’s best to just go to the Target $1 bins and scoop some things up. Or in Germany, everyone is getting Kinderschokolade something, regardless of age.
WHAT GAMES TO PLAY: socially distanced Twister. Everyone gets their own mat, and the game only ends when someone dislocates their own joints, instead of falling on someone else and dislocating their joints.
WHAT KIND OF CAKE: it’s obviously chocolate and cheesecake or buttercream frosting, what a stupid question. And yes, every birthday person gets one.
COME LOOK AT MY QUARANTINE ART Party
There have been some amazing bursts of creativity on the internet. We are all reconnecting with that inner artist and shining a light on our talents. Our talents that include half-heartedly throwing some arcylic down on cheap canvas and calling it “modern”. I’m not knocking this, I do it too and I love it! Once I figure out oil painting I’m basically the next Bob Ross, waiting for her time. Bobina maybe. There’s a ton of cross stitching and embroidery happening, people are sculpting out of their kid’s distance learning Playdoh. We should be turning our homes into art galleries! I’ll schedule tours through various cities to experience the wonders people have made, while trying to have 5 friggin minutes of quiet for f’s sake, Zoom has let a stranger into my meeting again and omg it’s already May?! You better believe some great art is coming out of this.
DEETS
WHEN: there is no real concept of time anymore, just accept the creative process as it comes and then run with it for as long as your energy holds out, or in between conference calls, whenever.
WHO IS COMING: definitely the neighbors, they’d like to know why the lights are on through the night and why the odd, sobbing and laughing sounds they hear have suddenly stopped. They’re also curious about the enormous amount of unfinished art “kits” that keep appearing in the trash.
PLEASE TAKE MY CHILDREN OUT OF THE HOUSE Party
I don’t have kids, don’t have near-future plans to have them, but have been around them and have enough friends with them to understand some things about kids. And some of those things, is that it’s a freaking miracle any of us “graduated” elementary school and made it this far to reproduction and typing up reports into Excel and buying organic apples. Homeschooling appears to be humanity’s personal collective hell right now. I am amused, I’ll admit, when babies appear on work calls, memes of work calls, articles of parents who lasted two hours into homeschooling before it was worksheets all the way. I sympathize, I really do, as I really like teaching but understand the drain it takes, let alone to do it confined, with no training, while doing another job, while trying to stay sane. Buuuut, I am loving the funny stories. And I totally see why this party would be a huge hit.
DEETS
WHERE: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I DO NOT CARE, JUST NOT IN THIS HOUSE
WHAT WE’RE EATING: something not breaded and fried, more complex than buttered noodles, maybe a raw vegetable or two? Let’s not get crazy, I know you’ve been eating chicken nuggets on repeat for 8 weeks, we’ll reintroduce real food slowly.
WHAT GAMES TO PLAY: “Who can run the furthest in the field?! No, away from here, other direction, yes just keep going that way!”
THE POST COVID DINNER Party
Just a nice old-fashioned dinner party. Some wine and cocktails, fancy china out, conversation in the living room. But here are the hostess questions that are keeping me occupied:
- Do I disinfect guests before or after they come in the door? Is it more polite to let them disinfect themselves?
- Do I actually set out fancy china or are we doomed to disposable plates for awhile? Gotta be honest: if that is to be the case, I will not hold dinner parties because I will not contribute so much waste.
- Perhaps then, it becomes the norm that everyone brings their own plates, silverware and glasses to parties? Is this a new product opening: fancy travel sets for two, complete with carrying case. I’ll make sure the outside covering is disinfected before it comes in the house.
- Do I need to put down caution tape lines through my house like the grocery stores do? It would be really awk if I had to yell at someone for crossing the tape, and then spray them with disinfectant.
- Assuming I can still use my own stemware, which is constantly being disinfected, do I offer people a drink or do they get it themselves?
- Would people feel comfortable coming into my home without their own disinfecting gear? Or will I be insulted when they bring it because I assume that’s a slight on my own housekeeping.
- Do I provide masks for my guests for those who forget those?
DEETS
WHAT TO WEAR: gloves, masks, clothes you can take off as soon as you get home, put in a plastic bag, and transport to the laundry machine.
WHAT WE’RE EATING: everyone gets their own individual meals that they cook and bring with them. No communal sharing anymore but hey, less dishes for the host!
WHERE WE’RE SITTING: a new fad which will emerge is ball rooms and formal dining tables are going to make a comeback. People will be spread out in rooms around your house to avoid coming in contact, so now you have to clean out that spare room (though, with all the quarantine cleaning, it’s probably already another perfectly decorated master bedroom).
PANDEMIC BABY SHOWER Party
Calling it: similar to after a hurricane in the US, birth rates are going up approx 6-9 months from now. Lots of baby registries are going to be popping up and the cutest item on the lists? Baby face masks (PLEASE DON’T ACTUALLY PUT A MASK ON YOUR BABY). The CovidKids Generation (copyrighted right now) are all going to share birthdays, stories of “where the came from” and parents who are all going to laugh together at every future birthday party as they all don’t say what they’re each thinking: “we all know exactly what was happening back then.”
DEETS
BABY NAMES: anything ending in “-vid” or “-vide”, lots of names beginning with “Q”.
BABY GIFTS: stacks and stacks of Clorox wipes
Class of 2020: tougher than you
So many graduations were disrupted this year. Traditional and non-traditional education, transitions between schools, courses or training programs, the many high school and college graduates who are probably in a sense of “well now what?” Most likely, there aren’t too many school counselors out there prepared with “how to start a huge new phase in a pandemic” and I feel for everyone in this stage. Both students and those attempting to guide them. Therefore, all students are promised a party next year, to happen the weekend before the party for the class of 2021.
A special “WOO HOO!” in the direction of my cousins, M & C, as they graduate from college and go on to do huge and beautiful things 🙂
Deets
GRADUATION GIFTS: a diploma with a mask wrapped around it, Amazon gift card.
WORDS OF ADVICE: you’ve got this, and the rest of us will stand with you as you begin to explore, in good times and tough times.
